Today I lost a very dear friend, one who has been a part of my life for over four years now. Short though it may be, he has seen me through so many highs and lows, and despite my occasional conniption fits and physical abuse, he has never threatened to leave my side. He was a strong one, very well-endowed, and I honestly loved him for everything he was.
In return I have always been faithful, never lusting after another, although he was by no means the most beautiful of specimens. It’s an awful thing to say, but as familiarty entwined our relationship, I suppose he let himself go a little, and that was perfectly fine by me. It wasn’t a relationship without flaws, however, particularly in the beginning, but we were blissfully happy as of late, or so I thought.
A couple of days ago something felt off, so I tried to get it off his chest and that was when he informed me that he had had enough and couldn’t take it any more. No words can express how furious I was but I wouldn’t accept it, there was simply no way that I could. Eventually we came to a compromise, just like we always do, and I promised I’d reconsider my priorities. I said, You don’t stop loving just because you have had enough. And so we carried on.
This morning we took the bus together as usual, where we sat in silence as it drove off to our destination. His warm, chiseled body pressed against mine as I slept. One minute there were people going about their daily routines, music playing, and birds that seem to fly perpetually against the gloomy canvas that is the gray skies; the next a huge chunk of my world had fallen away into the unknown.
Suddenly he couldn’t go on anymore, and I just sat there motionless in disbelief. I shook my head, all the while asking, Why, why, why? but he didn’t respond and just stared at me abstractedly with those sorrow-glazed eyes. No amount of pleading would change his mind, and now he’s gone for good. I feel like a lifeless, brittle eggshell where a chick eventually emancipates itself from.
Throughout the day I desperately tried to make contact, to no avail. I listened to the radio while I cooked lunch that still lies untouched on my kitchen table, all in the name of trying to ease the sense of futility that had taken over my life as I once knew it, rather than be alone with my thoughts. But still, my mind wandered.
I considered calling a friend for a bit of advice, but I resolved to go through it on my own. Like the fishing vessels on Deadliest Catch that I so often catch on television, I, too, can make it to the end of this season.
Right now I sit here in the dim light of my halogen lamp, reading a book as a temporary antidote. Not giving up hope, I try to resurrect his lifeless body underneath my pillow every once in a while. And I cry.
Sweet iPod, please be ok?